She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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