i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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