If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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