if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
