I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
