: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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