3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
