If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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