I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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