There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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