She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
