I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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