guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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