All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Houston, we have a squirter
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
