you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
