i was born a porn star she said
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
