I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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