OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
