If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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