I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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