I accidentally had phone sex last night
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
