I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
