I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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