3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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