make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
