there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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