I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
sex in a hospital.. check
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
