I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
