1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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