Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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