There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
