I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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