Only a mothe r could love this liver
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
