do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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