You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
