Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
