I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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