two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
