if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
