Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
