this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I could make wine with my vomit
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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