And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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