I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
