Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
