I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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