My nipple is on Facebook.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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