if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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