i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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