lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
