Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
