Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
