mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
