life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Edward fifth and chaser hands
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
