We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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