I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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