Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
