Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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