i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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