just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
