Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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