i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
