he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize