Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
