i need an iv and a liver transplant
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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