Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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