Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
