Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
