i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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