I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
