wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
