he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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