So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
