Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
