Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
